WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able
To LAUGH OUT LOUD



I went
to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the
thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.


Knowing that a time of
reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set
off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish
the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed
normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end
of the store from the toilets that the pain hit
me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't
know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit,
gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The
thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night
before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The chillies fired a warning
shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and
stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for
fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh
so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any
help.


I don't know what made me do it, but
I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic
non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as
he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall
of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his
senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his
arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
........BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you
know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I
raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in
the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO
BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.



Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes.. It appears some prankster set off a
stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the
problem.'


My smirking of course set me off
again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one
sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
kindly not to return.


Home again without
my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover
chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to
repaint the
store.

My ribs hurt...this was absolutely too funny

Are you kidding me.lmfaooooooooooooooooo